You surviving the open bar?
Super asto ex polenta omaha botad
I just saw a man with a full beard and frosted tips
there is no god
There was jim beam in your oven. I just preheated it.
turns out I still hate jay leno...even at 10pm.
I woke up on a futon with 2 stolen budwiesers in my purse, 5 extra bucks, a sucker stuck to my shoe, one sock, and a stolen copy of the zombie survival guide
please tell me this is not legit
I need to shower. I still have paint on me from the homeless guys
I'll be accepting presents in the forms of drinks, drugs, and orgasms. So any or all of those will be fine.
after i talked him through a bulleted list of why we couldn't have sex he just said "but it would be fun...."
not much sitting here stoned eating my little sisters halloween candy and judging each individual hersheys candy bar and after much deliberation by the selection committee the original hersheys chocolate bar won
I honestly can't remember your justification for putting peanut butter on your cell phone.
Bad news: I found out that girl you want has a boyfriend. Good news: she'll probably cheat on him with you. Better news: after seeing the way she treats him, that's the most interaction you're going to want with her anyway. Trust me.
I have to take tonight off from shenanigans. My liver is planning a coup
I need a genital shamwow being this wet.
It’s easy for me to be professional, the tough part is finding the perfect amount of bitchy undertone
What happened lastnight it looks like I had sex with edward scissor hands....my back is so messed up
my bad i broke a mirror over your back
Randomize
