Do you have any cake mix? I kind of need to make a "im sorry i drank all your parents tequila, threw up all over your floor and slept with you boyfriend" cake.
I just want to get to the point in our relationship where I can get on top of her and fart and we can both laugh...not just me.
I havnt even moved into my new place yet and there's already a county sheriffs card taped to the door with my name on it asking me to call him
That's why they call him "the cheesegrater".
He told her, Don't talk. Just sit there so I can imagine that you have the kind of personality I wish you had.
This dude. Just lost. A finger. He asked us for tape.
Cuz its complicated and I hate complicated and I miss your penis
Used my phone to vibrate 'eye of the tiger'. It's like Rocky is punching my nuts, but gently.
Food poisoning on first date... Still rode the mechanical bull like a champ
Do you remember lying across two tables saying 'go away I'm trying to pull' to me, Sollie and Sean?
you don't even have a vagina so you don't get to tell me what to put in mine
Can you send me a picture of your dog? I might need to borrow him so I can wear a speedo to a pool party on Friday
She's in labor and I'm doing shots. Whose the real winner here?
Apparently karate chopping the fronts off all the paper towel and soap dispensers in the bathrooms isn't even frowned upon. Like even at the third bar when I fell flat on my back trying to jump kick the last one some guy just helped me up and high fived me. America.
Just dropped the most perfectly rolled joint into the toilet I just finished taking a shit in, hadn't even had time to flush, 5 second rule?
No!
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