I wish there were whore gnomes that cleaned our apartment when we were gone.
We shared that special kind of eye contact that can only be experienced when you know one party is saying "Oh god, I fucked him in the back seat when you were in the front, didn't I."
So, remember how that one doctor said it was 1 in a million that I'd get pregnant...
Yeeah thank god
Well..welcome to parenting Mr. one in a million.
I remember your 21st ending with me driving you home while you insisted making bicycle signals out the car window.
This is going to be another afternoon spent getting drunk in the shower, isn't it?
theres a kid in a leopard robe and sunglasses filling up a gas tank. i miss college
She showed me her tits and my first thought was "I want these to feed my future children." I'm scared.
I got kicked out of the bar for suggesting that the bartender drop her tits into my Redbull instead of the usual liquor
Hypothetically how does one go about throwing away a dildo?
Well my summer started by me waking up in a tube on the side of the pond this morning with 2 of my friends. So that's good..
Apparently I'm a "fire hazard"
My husband gave me a key to his house. I thinks this means we're getting kinda serious.
I should probably eat a Plan B. Pill for breakfast. Happy Halloween.
Good rule of thumb: only list personal references with whom you have hallucinated
My cats name is now jello shot. How much do you love me right now?
Randomize
