Sometimes when I see pregnant women, I wonder what position they were in when they got knocked up. Then I gag a little.
They should make Jack Daniels chap stick
I puked off the balcony.
Not horrible
Into the hottub. There were six people in it. I had eaten all their pizza.
My body isn't even mad at me...just disappointed
im downtown. alone. lost. drunk. dressed as santa. dont find me. i just heard someone say mechanical bull.
100% of annual heatstroke fatalities are preventable deaths! Don't let it happen to you! Also, you can catch crabs from almost anything! Be safe and have fun.
drunk enough to drink jager bombs out of a bowl on the kitchen floor.
Your 13 year old niece and her best friend half carried you from the beach to the pool where you then clung onto a raft and screamed about having pretty hair.
When you passed out on the kitchen counter she brushed and flossed your teeth, then carried/dragged you to bed. Why aren't you married?
Absolutely. I could drink and smoke that memory away in a matter of years at my current rate.
answer my text you professional douchebag
and i mean that in the cutest, flirtiest way possible
How long have I been using my debit card as a coaster?
a guy just skateboarded past my window in a bunny suit while chased by a dog walker
From the bottom of my heart, thanks for never sending me unsolicited dick picks.
Was I just dreaming, or was there a corpse at work last night?
She was just sleeping.
Is it bad that I'm kind of disappointed by that?
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