I looked at him all bewildered and he said, "what? I figured if it was under 30 seconds it'd be free."
fine. I googled it. you have to eat 5 to die so apparently I'm in the clear.
Just threw up in the garbage can outside the liquor store... I'm pretty sure that's some sort of distress signal.
I feel like I should come with a warning like "Orgasm free since 1983"
I had to ask him for the scissors while I was in the shower. My hood piercing was stuck in my loofah.
Why are all the dvds taped to the fish tank. Really.
They ran through the sprinklers in front of campus police, shirtless. Singing "love is a battlefield"
I gave his parents a candle as a thanks for letting me hang out there all the time. Which i guess is more accurately a thanks-for-letting-me-fuck-your-son candle
For only eating leftover pizza for breakfast today, you sure do have a lot to vomit up...
You went home with a man in a loincloth
I just watched him leave in half a loincloth. Don't you just love Halloween???
I just traded 5 cigarettes for a sandwich on they greyhound.You owe me 5 cigarettes. I told you I would get hungry.
dude, i just accidentally flashed your mom. BIG TIME.
I don't know what to do with my life other than going on Reddit and watching porn.
But the problem is you celebrate with your heart but I celebrate with my liver
Every time I look at him 'Relax' by Frankie Goes to Hollywood plays in my head. Is that weird?
Randomize
