Make note: the first date is too soon to make the "condoms are only for making balloon animals" joke.
Fun fact: tonight on intervention was the guy who did my tattoo
Either these are mashed potatoes in my pants, or I was drunker than I thought.
I had fun last night. We should have sex less often.
oh hey just found a glowstick in my tits. fuck yes new years eve
my little brother just asked me why i have handcuffs. How do I tell him that his sister likes being taken advantage of in the bedroom?
Never get a handjob from a girl who gives deep tissue massages.
She can't really be mad at me. I made you two sisters... Dick sisters.
You passed out and she managed to carry you all the way back to your dorm last night. I believe your testicles now her property.
I think my vagina was keeping me fat all these years out of self preservation. It's like she knew what would happen if I lost the weight.
captain&coke to the library. STAT. this is an emergency. this is not a drill. I repeat: THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
I tried to steal a Mike's Hard sign last night but it didn't work out
why what happened?
Well it was going fine.. until the bouncer noticed the three foot steel lemon sticking out of my jacket.
Ugh a 13 year old just asked me why people drink, I had to explain it without making it sound good. I need a drink.
I accidentally sent my mom a nude picture of my ass... she replied with how did you get that angle ?
This date is awful. He’s too boring to bang
Is porn accurate? Can I order a pizza and do the delivery boy?
Randomize
