I just found out I have a small penis.
Couldn't you tell by how you've NEVER had a girlfriend?
I woke up naked by my window. blinds open. smiley face drawn on my window.
Note to self: when drunk try to remember that ctrl, alt and dance doesnt exist on a keyboard.
So i closed my laptop as i started to fall off my bed and then i caught myself and realized that moment of catching myself is the difference between tuesday and friday.
NO. NO LET HIS PENIS TOUCH YOU.
Yeah, it kinda sucks. But it was fun while it lasted. And honestly, his penis is way too big for my life.
Yeah, I wish I could have one upped you. But all I did was ride circles around a cop on a stolen bicycle while laughing at him for telling me to stop riding on the sidewalk.
Are you up yet? I really want to know if i tried sleeping in a field... i have the vaguest memory of trying to
Remember that girl that we found passed out in the dorm study room under a pile of money and jimmy johns wrappers? She's standing right on front of me.
It's def pee. WHY DO I PEE ON THINGS WHEN I DRINK TEQUILA
You randomly sent me a black Santa Claus emoji at 2am. I think alcohol was involved.
I just woke up hand cuffed to the bar and shirtless, so yeah I think I need you to come get me.
i just sneezed the second i jizzed and it got in my eye. words can't describe how much i hate life right now.
she told me id be a great addition to their lesbian community and shes giving me sex eyes from across the room. come get me NOW
My ex's sister asked me to be her date to Thanksgiving. Should I go?
Threesome!
Randomize