He was so confused why there was a string hanging out of my vagina.
Oh. Im drinking alone in a banana costume. Every time youre feeling down, i want you to think of me right now and know that your life is better than mine.
I have never pre-planed for a better sober morning than lacing my muffin batch with tylenol.
I'm in a trailer park. But I'm not scared. The virgin always lives.
When you awake you'll realize that your car is missing....just know that I had it and becuz of your car I hooked up with the hot bar tender that looks like that guy from bay-watch however I parked it in a loading zone and it was towed...that sex was TOTALLY worth it love you
Have you ever noticed that the cities in car commercials look really futuristic?
...did you eat that brownie?
One day, tell me please to stop buying shots when I'm overwhelmed. I might have just broken a tooth
Went to a wedding reception last night, came home with a Christmas tree and the rest of the keg
I told him his only options were from behind or me on top. I was not about to mess up my $80 blow out before graduation.
My mom just told me she would flash her tits to a cop to get me out of jail, and then we high-fived.
Maybe don't sell him so much adderall next time. The other day during finals he was convinced that he could see the "molecules of life in the air" and kept reaching up slowly to grab them.
I love getting kicked out of places. Its like winning a little league game
I despise everything about her. Except her tits.
I haven’t sent any nudes yet in 2018.
That’s not true...is it?
like, there were so many other better not terrible choices you could have made, so i'm honestly baffled that you managed to fuck up that bad
Randomize
