Vanillla milkshakes are the new Gold Bond. Will explain later.
he showed up at my house with a hand-stiched sweater that said "girlfriend?"
strike ten. I need to stop drinkng
Is sexting at a funeral morally wrong?
Aparently his snake got loose in the middle of the night. Not a sex joke, he has a fucking snake
Just once id like to sleep with a man who i havent thrown up on
He equated my biology degree to a belief in Santa. I wonder if he heard the doors to my vagina clanging shut.
I dreamt of sea otters and your boobs. My two favorite things.
we're decorating our christmas cookies with birth control. so pretty.
I fell into a police barricade, a cop helped me up and asked if I've been drinking. I just looked at him and said "dude.." He proceeded to take out his handcuffs
Just remember that I named his dick Robo-cock before he got into the sheriff's department.
Not great. "Leave the toilet seat down, it gives me somewhere to rest my face."
I'm sure there's been a weekend in 2014 we were sober... Clearly it wasn't fun, bc I can't recall it. Point proven, alcohol is key.
I just set an alarm for 5 am tomorrow morning titled "Wake and Bake Its Christmas motherfucker"
I said no to friends with benefits because it was too much commitment
Randomize
