Bea Arthur died! :(
What?
Big bird passed.
Memory from last night that just came back: me forcibly jacking him off while he yelled I DONT LIKE HANDJOBS I DONT LIKE HANDJOBS
You know, if there were no such thing as marriage, i don't think porn would exist.
you kept yelling something about watching the muppets chirstmas carol and trying to turn the t.v. on with your car keys
I just withdrew $200 in ones. I think the teller knew what was up
She just called to say she can support a full bottle of vodka between "the girls" now. I'm going over, don't try and stop me.
I've reached the point to where my pre-gaming needs to be limited to pre-inning-ing
There a special place in hell for drunk criers. A special FUCKING PLACE
It all went downhill when I figured out I could launch myself into people with my crutches
Is it possible to sluttify a hobbit costume? Cause if so, this will be my biggest accomplishment.
I stared at him for a solid five minutes because he looked like what I imagine god would look like if god was a lumberjack
He left a fire sauce packet from taco bell that said "promise you'll text me in the morning" on my nightstand.
you know you're doing something right when your drug dealer insists on hugging you before you leave.
Our orgasm ration was 1:45. No. Fucking. Joke. I thought I was going to die.
I got the shit slapped outta me last night but the pain in my jaw doesn’t even compare to the hangover I have.
Randomize
