Moving to Utah. Got sick of alcohol and have a severe wife shortage.
I just farted in the dogs face to show him who's boss
Sitting in the library lobby in the middle of exam week. Drunk. Dressed as santas slutty helper. Waiting for the student shuttle service. People are clapping for me as they walk by. Tell me how this isnt college
She asked me why there was $2 in the lunchmeat drawer of the fridge and BBQ sauce all over the kitchen... I'm not sure but I know it has something to do with you
I'm not drinking cause I'm like 4 vodkas away from a boom box and Peter Gabriel.
The cute guy in my class hurt himself and is on crutches. My first thought was "Good. He'll be easier to take down." Like he's a gazelle and I'm a dick tiger. What's wrong with me?
He looked at me like he knew me, and I looked at him like I had seen his penis before.
Do you think there are other mothers looking at porn in the carpool line?
You are free to stop by. I promise to keep my penis in my leather pants
Are you feeling better yet?
I need a nap and a new butthole
It's not even 8:30a, wine glass is broken, there's sugar everywhere, and your mom just asked me what MILF means.
I'm having a hard time eating my sandwich knowing how many different buttholes my hands were in last night.
Is it in poor taste to drop acid before midnight mass?
I love this.
I shaved my asshole for this. That's real dedication.
God gave you your own nipples for a reason.
Randomize
