Every time my boyfriend threatens to commit suicide I change my relationship status as "widowed".
when I picked him up he smelled like cheeseburgers, had a bite mark around his left nipple and we think someone stabbed him in the forehead with a pencil... it was like the Hangover meets Texas Chainsaw Massacre
I have a ginormous moral hangover. Strip club blues.
I hope his life after cheating on me is as good as Tiger's golf game is these days.
I cant believe she fell for the mistletoe belt AGAIN.
Maybe there is a secret pocket full of cocaine in that spiderman wallet.
Right now he's sitting in the chair pointing to me to go away. He's trying to have quiet time with his penis.
I'm sitting on the toilet eating a Chick-Fil-A breakfast sandwich. How's your Monday?
I need to stop getting high and watching documentaries. Wanna go to Japan with me and protest the mass genocide of dolphins?
i refuse to sex anyone who doesn't get my lord of the rings references. no exceptions.
I feel like I'm in high school again. I'm completely sober and I just gave some guy a handjob to completion.
my liver is dry heaving
Hey, you should go to your facebook ASAP... i'm guessing you're wasted but you just uploaded a picture of someones dick...and everyones taking bets now if its Rick or Mikes..
Go have a frustration cry and get over it
I remember waking up on the bathroom floor and seeing my teeth behind the toilet
Randomize
