SO stoned. Sitting in just a thong in front of a fan. NO work for a WEEK! Life is good :)
I'm at the laundry mat. This guy is here showing me his ankle monitor. The weird ones always find me.
Get everyone out of their dorms and watch 3 girls do the walk of shame from my room.
i have learned 4:30 is too early to start pregamming for the midnight harry potter
Just bought koolaid for my vodka in a DARE shirt with my NES wallet. I'm everything I thought I'd be when I was 8.
Except even better, boobs get discounts.
My Saturday dick is so much more impressive than my Tuesday dick.
Holy shit, Uber is testing a service to summon an ice cream truck.
Bring me the penis of the founder so I may endlessly fellate him. Or cunnalinge. I don't discriminate.
So I feel like I should have had a going away party for your dick. Complete with balloons and cake. Yeahh that's right. I'm gonna miss it.
Ohh I see how it works, eat pussy and I get Reese's pieces.
He's in grad school at Harvard. I suppose that means my vagina is now smarter than I am.
My heart wants him and my vagina wants him...to have a bigger dick.
What is the acceptable way to offer a trade of sex for a few hours of body heat?
What's the rule for getting in fights with homeless men in suits?
Here's a rule: don't
Relationship goals: we both wore red underwear tonight. Except he won’t know because my bra been off but it’s the thought that counts I guess.
I’m turning 34 on Friday and I feel like the only thing I’ve accomplished in life so far is getting into pissing matches with clients
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