last night i was so high that when a homeless person asked me for a dollar, i responded: dolla dolla bill ya'll.
I was thinking about baking his mom "sorry you found out i was sleeping with your son" cupcakes
only 75% of american men are circumcised...i guess this was bound to happen to me someday.
I need a $60 an hour job, because I have a $50 an hour drinking habit.
I love when I'm alone in the house. It's like pants were never invented.
It's like I'm in a vicious cycle of noncommittal penis.
the ladder is at the bottom of the pool
don't let me wipe my vag with a dirty leaf outside of mcdonalds ever again.
Every fourth of July I get sentimental when I think back to the one where we drove around baked off our asses crashing multiple cookouts listening to Team America's "America, Fuck Yea" on repeat. I miss us.
I feel a bullet train of disappointment headed in your direction.
five cans of playdoh and a game of guess whose penis ...
His penis is small and he doesnt like Harry Potter. HE HAS NO REDEEMING QUALITIES WHAT AM I EVEN DOING HERE
Just blowing bubbles with my nipple rings in my shower.
You always make things weird.
I have more sex toys than shoes - HOW AM I SINGLE?!?!?
You were wearing a cookie monster onesie and telling everyone you were actually the sausage monster..
On the bright side I still got laid
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