Your vagina is a self cleaning oven.
I just google mapped his house on satellite so i can really see how much money he has. Does that make me shallow?
Our house smells like week old pizza, beer cans, cigarettes, and depressing career tracks....get lysol.
I woke up with a picture of my dick as my background. still wondering if it was a good night or not.
tried to order jimmy johns from the ER last night, the nurses did nottt approve
I DONT WANT TO PLUS I THINK I FLUSHED MY KEYS DOWN THE TOILET WHILE I WAS PEEING
just walk of shamed past a man riding a bike. RIDING A BIKE. what a wholesome life he must lead.
He's so young, I keep getting a mental image of him in footie pajamas. It's cute but it's wrong. Or is it?
Just saw a huge group of people walk by in there in their underwear. Too stoned for this.
Pretty sure I asked the person at the pharmacy counter in Walgreens to marry me last night. But also remember Rachel Maddow crawling through the TV screen, so my memory might be a bit compromised...
That's what I love about being a lesbian. My roommate's boyfriend watched her finger me and then he made me pancakes in the morning. AND THEN HE LEFT.
We will walk in fields of dick.
You seriously need to stop quoting those songs when i'm with my parents.
I just put poptarts in the toaster with the wrapper on, that's how hungover I am.
You are, as of last night, the self declared king of pooping. Long may you reign.
Oh no. He's definitely text-flirting with me. No straight man over 30 has any other excuse to use so many smiley faces...
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