i just wanna soil my oats bro
i just used the Cadillac of toilet papers. For a minute i actually forgot i was even wiping my ass....i thought i was floating butt first into heaven
So we've decided on 'hamburger' as your code for tonight. If you add ketchup or fries, we know the threat level has escalated.
Milquetoast, coolest word ever.
Is she bent over a couch yet or did daylight savings time throw off her usual schedule?
did i get hit in the head with a hammer? someone just asked me...
Judging by my dry clothes and wet sheets, I think I might have gotten out of bed, pissed ON it, covered it up, and passed out on top of it
The bridesmaid just threw up on herself. This is going to be the best wedding ever
If you ever bitch out on 72oz margarita night again, this friendship is over
Yeah. You can ask him out. We're just fuck buddies. My vagina will be sad but your heart can be happy.
I wore heels to a golf store in hopes of getting laid. I've hit a new all time low.
Was looking through my phone and saw that drunk me took a tit pic in the Denny's bathroom..
I'll send you pictures of my nipples so you don't feel left out.
Come by so you can take a pregnancy test with me. It's like my monthly ritual!
I'm seriously scared right now. Woke up next to 3 geese and a lot of feathers ..
Randomize
