When my options for Friday night are being a 3rd wheel or bringing a gay man as my date i need to focus on other things in life like having a successful career.
I woke up this morning to the buzzer on my oven going off... I cooked fish sticks at 425 degrees for 5 hours last night. my house smells awesome
i have more money on itunes than i do in my bank account... college.
Sorry for screaming that you were an apple in spanish at the bar last night, that was the wine talking
I rang in the new year by giving a lap dance to a Lutheran minister in a roomful of people including his wife. Jesus would be proud.
The feeling I get when I hear beer bottles clinking must be what children feel when they hear sleigh bells on Christmas Eve
I stared at him for a solid five minutes because he looked like what I imagine god would look like if god was a lumberjack
First thing I find in the car I just pick up from my grandpa? A discount card for the strip club down the road from his apartment. The force is still strong.
So, no matter what happens today, hold on to this. At least you're not naked under your ex husband's trench coat being stopped by the police who also work with your ex husband. Long story. Actually, not a long story. That's it.
I wish you could just Google "people I've had sex with" and they would all just come up
It's a lot harder to work after sex than it is to work drunk... just saying.
Can I just buy you sex toys as a wedding gift? Bc I’m here for that and you
He started planning our future mid-hookup. You tell me how my night was.
Do not ever chug tabasco sauce.
PSA Do not blow dry your junk.
Randomize
