I JUST GOT MY PERIOD AND MY VISA FOR LONDON GOT APPROVED! BEST DAY EVER!
He keeps apologizing for not being able to get hard when he's drunk. We havent even left the club yet.
Dude, she knew her leg was on fire and she kept dancing. Bad-fucking-ass.
I feel like our low point of the night was when we had to start chasing with ice cubes and wheat thins.
i just remember sliding through the snow and yelling i love america before puking on the oncoming cars
I just want you to know that I think it is hilarious and wonderful that 40s are now your alcohol of choice.
I like that our conversation ended with "im gonna go get pregnant goodnight"
Listen, dont tell me about your day or that your mom is in town. Don't ask me to drive you to the airport or proofread your paper. Text me when and only when you have a boner. Oh and take your pants off and leave your front door unlocked because I'm coming over.
So how'd the job interview go?
well turns out the guy interviewing me was a regular at the strip club where i used to work. Talk about awkward
Woke up pants less in the vacant apartment across the hall. It was unlocked because they were showing it to someone. When they walked in I woke up and said "this is a great place to live" and walked out
I believe in your delicious
Because you hugged a homeless guy, and I paid him 5 bucks to give us our giraffe balloon animal back. That's why.
I can't have the last guy who touched my vagina be my coworker.
I don't know whether to cheer for the free bourbon, or cry from the screaming children.
I just split a tacobell party box with my boss. 12 tacos. We were equals for a moment.
Randomize
