these burps are starting to have way more vomit in them,
Just did a line with a monopoly bill. Tell me I'm not fancy.
Ha Ha the cop that just pulled me over would like me to tell you hi!
I called the bar to ask if they found my Id and credit card and they remembered me as 'the girl who signed her receipt in blood'
Either she got face surgery at midnight, or i need to stop drinking...
Been drinkin since 3, wearing a tutu, how could things go wrong
Puked on a Tom Jones impersonator on the strip
This shit I'm taking feels like I've eaten every burrito in the world and chased that with an aquarium of hot sauce.
He's ninety percent amazing leader, brother, and teacher, and ten percent unforgivable douche. These are the men I look up to in my life.
Imagine the quality of nudes you could send with a selfie stick
I don't get promposals. When I asked my date I was so drunk I couldn't lift my head. Then I puked on my lawn after he said "ok whatever". That's romance
I mean, it's a romantic picture of pubes if I've ever seen one
There is a pool of ranch salad dressing in my purse...I know thats always been something you've wanted to try..so don't even act like you didn't do this.
I just remembered something. We made out last night, people cheered.
If you ever get divorced...would you call me??
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