why did i wake up to an event notice that says "Shit Just Got Real"?
I just realized that there are baby oil soaked hand prints on the wall over my bed. Last night was a good night.
Oh, I never thought you were a dick. You were one of the best morally comprised ideas I've ever had.
the paramedics asked what clubs id be in next weekend so they can plan ahead.
Now that I'm hitting my bong, I realized I haven't missed something so much in a long time. I love Thomas the Dank Engine.
I had such a pleasant walk of shame. The sun was shining, I smiled at all the high school suckers who judged me on their way to school, and I made friends with an old guy and his dog.
And then, I saw the prophecy come to fruition. It was the Dick of Destiny.
listen. he fixes things. buys me drinks and sticks his penis in my vagina. age means nothing at this low point in my life.
Using mass transit when I'm hungover makes me feel like I missed my calling as a serial killer
you know she was a bad idea when your mom offers to pay for an eHarmony account
Just caught myself trying to make grilled cheese with the stove off. I think my dad knows I'm high.
I'm not saying I love you. I never said I love you. I said that if earth blew up like Krypton you'd be the only person I would like to have inside me when our bodies burn up in a fiery inferno
Can't tell if it's the drugs or science magic, but I *THINK* that mouse just turned into a squirrel.
I need to get some goddam control over my hormones
No one can touch me, I'm made of fruit.
Randomize
