Dude, I just woke up on the floor of some random chick's floor with puke in my hair and a posted note on my forehead that said "It's over." Dude I wasn't even aware I was in a relationship...
You taught me that having a dip while u shit is awesome. I appreciate u for that
so it turns out that "condoms galore" does, indeed, come up on your bank statement
I just realized that I'm gonna have to lower my standards if I want random head.
can you call in chlamydia to work? like if the antibiotics they gave you for it are giving you the shits...
this must be what syphilis tastes like
okay. this is james and youre probably never ever gonna see me again unless i really really really want some pussy. sorry.
WHY IN THE FUCK DID YOU LET ME DRUNK PUNCH STEVE? HE IS SUCH A NICE GUY!
She tried to beat the waitress over the head with a bread stick because one of her martini olives was missing a pimento. All while screaming "IT'S GAMEDAY BITCH"
Olive Garden will never be the same.
just saw a sign in the bar that says "no more naked fridays". Where the fuck was I on these naked fridays?
my new years resolution to eat more toast and mastrubate more often is going well so far.
My nerves will need dicks later so.. I'll call you
OK... But I need to shower first because I'm covered in stuff I definitely shouldn't have slept in
Finding my pants in the morning should not make me this proud
FYI brushing your teeth & taking off your makeup does not erase the shame from the night before
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