haha it's okay then, bc he only killed a canadian, they're not real people
I'm sorry I didn't make it out, I got distracted by sparkley boobies.
bouncer thought i was tryin to get the license plate numbers of strippers to stalk them. I had to go show him where I threw up to get back in.
there was a kid getting taken out of the waterpark handcuffed to a wheelchair singing "tryna catch me ridin dirty"
There was a lot going on. It was easy to miss a 70 foot tall puppet.
I've been drinking vodka for the last 12 hours at the beach and can't see straight and have awesome hair.
LIFE IS #1 SOMETIMES
If this nail lady pinches my achilles one more time im kicking her directly in her bedazzled boobs
I feel like we should apologize to the light saber. We were REALLY inappropriate with it last night.
we're the same shoe size and he owns more pairs of heels than i do. this could be the beginning of a beautiful friendship
Hey, so I'm not coming into work til Friday. Some guy I've known for about 8 hours just offered me a free vacation to Maui and bought my plane ticket. He's Aussie so I'm 75% sure he won't murder me
My goal for the weekend: procure a blowjob using only stern glances, hand gestures, and crudely-drawn stick figures.
Jamie's fucking a senior citizen and I'm eating chips and salsa in the shower at 2am, so whatever you're doing it can't be worse.
Did we actually play with swords last night or did I dream that?
You weren't singing into a microphone in front of an audience. You were screaming into your fist in the check-out aisle in Walmart.
yeah, last night we handcuffed you and you started crying saying that you weren't a bad person
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