I'm just that much of a man that I can watch Ellen and Oprah back to back and still like girls.
I woke up to him eating me out, listening to classical music.
No I am not eating basil off your cock
so why are there three stressed gay men and a bowl of vomit in the smoke room?
What makeup look will say to the therapist 'I am a smart, well-adjusted young woman'?
The alcohol just runs so smoothly thru my veins.
I miss her, but also fucked her ex boyfriend.... So there's that
Yeah you burned that bridge with your vagina
FOUND: my underwear in the cabinet above the toilet. What the actual fuck.
I've got to stop fucking tourists. If Chicagos piazza is anything like their dicks. I'm moving.
It is not a successful senior year unless you show up to campus without pants at least once, right?
Found this cake smashed up inside a box on the sidewalk. Im saying yes to adventure and eating some.
Taking a nap. Sidewalk cake kicked my ass. It had boston creme filling!
Damn that brownie almost kicked my ass. I'm not sure if my flight home lasted 10 minutes or 10 days..
Idk, but the girl in his story had really nice eyebrows and was singing The Climb. How about you CLIMB the fuck away from my man
FORGET THE EYEBROWS
The dog destroyed my vibrator and swallowed several pieces. Vet gave us a laxative so now I’m checking lots of dog shit and having no orgasms. Plus the cute vet knows I don’t get enough dick, so that’s just great
We played wedding bingo. I made out with the maid of honor and fucked one of the bride’s sorority sisters. But I needed to get with the groom’s cousin, a mother-in-law to be, or the wedding planner to win and I came up short.
Randomize
