Vanilla vodka + chocolate soymilk does NOT equal an epic milkshake.
There's a hand-carved wooden bong in my backpack, and i really wish i could remember last night now.
Because it is about to snow, I sent him for Diet Coke and cigarettes. It's the gay version of milk and bread.
I must have drunkenly masturbated really loud last night, cause my roommate and his wife wont look at me
there isn't one for "I'll give you an I'm sorry blowjob" but that's also an option you have. in the meantime here is an emoticon of a caterpillar
Based on the fact my iPad is covered in pizza, I'm going to assume I ate pizza last night
Just found out I made out with the 40 year old Captain of the boat at the barge party. On the bright side he let me drive the boat so at least there's that.
You've been dating this guy for a month now and as your best friend I have to complain that I still don't how big his dick is.
Let's drink tonight I promise I'll make it out of the house
I DID NOT GO INTO HOURS OF STRENUOUS LABOR FOR YOU TO LOOK LIKE A DOMINATRIX BARMAID ON A WEEKDAY. AT LEAST SAVE IT FOR THE WEEKEND GDI.
He wrote his entire dissertation last night. I can only imagine the frightening amount of headway he would make if he ever did things sober.
Just asphyxiate me and toss my corpse in the Ocean. It'll be easier than whatever the next four or eight years will bring.
Apparently she hired a private investigator when he took out a restraining order on her. So the answer is no, I didn't hit it.
You have no idea how awkward it is fucking someone with the same name as your dog
You started singing Baby Shark, screamed you have no idea how it goes, then somehow turned the beat into Bohemian Rhapsody
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