I don't get calzones all look the same but taste so different
just fell over trying to sit on the toliet like a robot.
headbutted the bartender, tried to bite the bouncer, and pissed on a cops shoes. and i still got laid. god, it's good to be home
i just ate an entire onion plain. all alone. i have never felt more single in my life
I really want to title the album "I want to make sex with your face" but I also want a job someday. Temptations, temptations.
God I love incriminating evidence...wonder what the statue of limitations is on shitting on someones driveway
i showed up sober to class for the first time. my prof said that i was "off my game today". i love philosophy
Long story short he broke into a preschool and threw all their cones into a tree.
Sexting Captain while emailing my eharmony match about my low key weekend is hard.
sweating bourbon at client mtg -- you?
I wanna get high and watch Shrek tonight...don't make me do it alone.
what happened to you last night?
I dunno man, i pissed in a urinal, sent you a picture of my vagina and woke up with 25 bar stamps on my arms.. you tell me
the cop asked if i was drunk and i responded with "breathalize me, cap'n". incidentally, he was a captain and i blew a .13.
drinking vodka out of a wine glass to feel a little bit classier about myself.
I don't know what she did to me last night, but the scratches on my back indicate that I had sex with a Bengal tiger last night.
Randomize
