You can't hide fat with big sunglasses.
i love how people use prayer to talk shit about eachother in a 'holy' manner.
I think the best way to start out any day is to watch 80's music videos. It's like visual wheaties.
I just caught myself doing the gator chomp to my tv. I need to get laid.
There is too much vodka and too much dick.
Explain to me how "cheap asian titties" is a complement?
I don't care if shes your sisters age. Once someone is on my to do list theres only one way to get them off it
Dnt forget 40 tuesday,dress nice! Like job interview nice, like funeral nice, like a couple muhfuckas sittin on their lawn drinkin forties on a tuesday nice!
I had to show the prof your text saying that I could pick up your midterm for you. I covered the part of the screen saying you weren't there because you were about to have morning choke sex.
Watching him and my sister argue over a rum and coke about who's going to chop the coffee table in half with a hatchet...
First night sober since New Years. I'm not sure what hurts more, the hangover or the credit dread when I find out what the tickets to Bali actually cost.
I told my coworker that I'm going to a dinner party and was asked to bring wine and pregnancy tests and he was like.. I miss being 20
You pretended to be Borat in that weird slingshot bathing suit and then proceeded to send another dick pic/nude selfie and said you weren't naked because you were wearing a hat.
I just crop dusted the hot FedEx guy delivering my business cards...then asked him "Was that you?" How the fuck am I allowed to be an adult?
I did not marry a roomba.
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