the best part about watching a meteor shower at 4 am is being able to masturbate in public and drink hot chocolate at the same time.
As I was buying milk at the market, the lady at the checkstand said, "what? No alcohol today?" have I really earned THAT reputation?
Just found a dugout in my rental car glove box. Suddenly my mood is upbeat.
cat food counts as protein by the way
You tried to luge a beer down a flip flop.
I can feel the fear and stress bubbling in my stomach. Or maybe that is the pregnancy.
I woke up with a russian doll attached to my necklace and a post-it note with "keep babushka safe" written on it. Fuck vodka
She gave me what I will now dub a "hurricane sandy". Loud, wet and sloppy BJ that made me want to stay home and complain about shit on the Internet
I'm going through our high school yearbook trying to find what boys I want to hook up with this summer. We graduated four years ago. That's a problem.
That broad from the bar put her name in my phone as "The girl I'm going to marry in 10 years".
Fyi, shaking your genitals at me doesn't count as "trying to have sex".
I just ordered a "football meatlong" from subway
No more bourbon. Sleep now. I may die. Pray for me.
If you can't trust the person at the taco cabana drive thru, who can you trust?!
I just timed my pee with a stop watch. From when the main stream started to ended. It was 45.1 seconds. This is the truth trust me.
Randomize
