i just ordered a pitcher of margaritas for me and a friend but she called and canceled. oh well, looks like im getting trashed alone.
the waiter who hardly speaks english told me "i go get your medicine now"
this medicine is soooo good.
Tell me I did not drive one hour for whiskey dick.
You know, Peter Parker would not have been nearly as cool if he had gotten bitten by an ant.
i just used a urinal to avoid climbing stairs, i need to quit drinking.
I really hope I'm not the first person who's had to wash vomit off of cash and credit cards.
Our relationship just reached the stage where i can touch her boobs while making a honking noise without getting hit in the face
She kept crying and asking why I couldn't look more like Dennis quaid.
just peed in rthe mens room but seranaeded them with adelle the whole timee so they didnt mind
Can I steal her, take her home, and feed her only vodka?
Apparently I'm ahead in the foot race to his dick because I'm not insane. If I'd have known that's all it took, I'd have worn sweat pants more often.
Dan I was a mess I made out with a 40 yr old who gave me a wad of cash for Christmas. Like wtf
He also has scotch. LOTS AND LOTS of scotch. I think you'd like him!
That is always a wonderful personality trait!
They're either celebrating their tax money or trying to kill each other.
Just got a snapchat from him that was a video of with the caption "my new apartment" in Brazil. I think we might not be seeing eachother anymore.
I got pulled over by the same cop in a 4.5 hour window. Got off both times. Fuck yes.
Randomize
