I think I just saw the silver monkey from legends of the hidden temple sitting out in someone's trash
GO. BACK. NOW.
Just spent five minutes taking pictures of my hands for some random guy.
Thanks for reminding me why I talk about you behind your back. Get laid.
I just puked in the walgreens aisle buying gatorade and advil for my hangover... i guess i failed
He kept making me pretend I was his personal trainer. When I swallowed his cum he made me pretend I was drinking a protein shake. Thats actually what it tasted like.
My financial advisor filed my girlfriend's abortion under "investments" so my wife wouldn't find out
do you know how hard it is to walk a mile drunk on 151 it's hard yards are soft and every girl looks good
How do you think the people in my class would react if I ripped all my clothes off and jumped on him right now?
If she says "This is how acid feels" one more time I'm never trip-sitting them again.
I'm so incredibly high right now the fact I am texting is nothing short of miraculous. Call the Pope. Hell make me Saint Roy, patron of stoners.
I got my eyebrow ring humped out. How is that even possible?
In other news, I had my first sex related injury of the school year so that's cool
Totally on the hot mess express last night. Mom said I was passed out on her kitchen floor. Told her I was drinking genuine tea.
His pet bird was perched ON HIS DICK.
Why do we always have to be the people who get blamed for animal intoxication incidents?
He eats ass but won’t hold open doors. My kinda guy.
Chivalry really is dead.
Randomize
