A freshman just woke up on our back pourch... He swears there was a party here last night but we didn't have one
The ratio was 19 to 1 and the 1 was lauren so it didn't even count.
Yea...but the guy who is beating me has a ponytail. So actually, I'm the winner here.
It had been so long since my last time that it was easily a double helping of stomach pancakes. I think she was mildly impressed.
I blacked out the second time 3am rolled around. My brain was taking a beating trying to do that math.
It's all sex hats and vagina bandages with you isn't it?
Dude. Remember the only two rules I set for that? Always have a sober friend and don't do drugs with a fat chick.
A homeless man just asked me if I had seen any "nekkid chicks with heineken bottles run by"
Berkeley was the right choice
We wore fake mustaches and shirts that said team mustache ride to a party we weren't even invited to
You could become Eskimo brothers with my dad. How can you pass that up? You pussy.
Lost my virginity dressed as catwoman. He was dressed as batman. Glad I waited.
I touched a dick in church today
I JUST AGREED TO GO TO A CHILD'S BIRTHDAY PARTY AT A PLACE CALLED PUZZLE'S FUN DOME WHY DO I HATE MYSELF
That's because I've spent the past 21 years convincing my parents the only emotions I have are sarcasm and bitterness.
Hate my fucking roommates.... Seriously, who the FUCK peels potatoes in the bathroom sink?!
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