im insabelyl wasted and diont know if ill yexyed tou. call me
four days late. damn you, makeup sex. you win again.
I'm playing with the baby I just found in your kitchen
I'm at the laundry mat. This guy is here showing me his ankle monitor. The weird ones always find me.
Me + Nice restaurant + Copious amounts of booze + obscene comments to couples = valentine's day plans
47 days without vaginal penetration. Im pretty sure it's grown over.
Do you realize that if your cunt was a missing person it would be assumed dead?
I was eating her out when she coughed, I just swallowed a bright red blood clot
i love being in ibiza. their hotels are much more receptive to walking around naked in the lobby than our american ones.
Working out to an exercise video on OnDemand. Also, drinking beer and eating cream cheese with a side of bagel in between stretches.
I hope to God 2011 is the year I stop loving tequila.
TAing a class of 300 froshies and being so hungover I forgot a bra is my way of making dreams come true.
it's just not right when you're boyfriend has a nicer ass than you do.
I have the relationship skills of Miley Cyrus and I could've said this was a bad idea
We're the worst. Two people without their shit together do not make a functional adult.
OMG I DIDNT READ THAT TEXT CAREFULLY CAUSE I'M ON THE DEVILS LETTUCE & I THREATENED TO PUNCH A CHILD OMG I'M SO SORRY
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