My BOSS just pulled out a box of Christmas stuff labeled reefs.
so, I mean this in the straightest way possible, but don't you ever just feel like you owe Jon Stewart a blowjob...
I don't remember how we paid for the cab. I do however remember giving him my heels 2 help with the bill.
The lego bong didn't work. Just made us look stupid
yeah, she started doing yoga and cocaine....looks good on her.
I need to do something profound in the next three and a half years so that when my kids ask what I did in my twenties I have something to say other than "made bad decisions"
you had acid sex with the barista. why is my bucket list your tuesday?
My roommate took my designated hickey removing spoon out of the freezer.
Good because ass is like 60% of my diet now
At the ER, will you come pick me up... Had an allergic reaction, wanted to see if I could eat a peanut without dying... Do you how bad this is evolutionary, I would have died back in the days of survival of the fitest by now
But wait then while giving his drive thru order he goes in mid sentence, "Hey baby it's Travis remember me?"
It's Reggie from Taco Bell, send me a pic.
I think I need to start sobriety testing my Tinder dates.
I think I pulled a boob muscle during phone sex
I'm on a party bus with a stripper pole with middle aged women who have all started drinking
God bless your soul.
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