so my mom just told me that she wouldnt pick me up and take us to taco bell at 3AM...
She woke up with blood running down her face and asked the EMS guy where the keg was
She made me sing happy birthday to myself at the urinal.
And then he told me he was too tired for me to suck his dick. Physically and mentally too tired for me to suck his dick. What the fuck?
Please please please buy brown eye liner on your way home in the morning... I'm missing an eyebrow
Mother fucker, I knew it was bad when you tried making out with my car window
If it wasn't for the fact that I drink during my lunch break I'm pretty sure I would have quit this job by now
As a plus, I've lost 5 pounds in two days, so "party all weekend" is officially a valid diet plan.
The Wolf of Wall Street “I ain’t fuckin’ leaving!” speech when the cops broke up your party though...
I am having telepathic thoughts with my cat. He loves me and wants me to blow his nose
Instead of asking him how many women he's slept with I just got straight to the point and asked how many Plan B pills he's purchased
dude new orleans is fucking wild these two guys just performed dueling banjos except they were actually fighting with the banjos
I mean, I was going to use them for a beading project, but I guess I could take one and let you bat my dick around like a cat toy.
Now that I'm sober I feel the need to tell you that I'm not really a fish whisperer....
I had a threesome with my hot neighbor and his GF and by threesome I mean I heard them getting it on in their apartment and I was in my apartment with a vibrator
and I may have moaned his name loud enough that they heard me because now he won’t make eye contact
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