I shaved my pubes to make my cock look like it has a lions mane. to surprise the girl that works at the zoo when she comes over.
He locked about 20 beers in a suitcase and put it in the fridge. For a complete idiot, he's a goddamn genius.
How's work?
Spinning.
Apparently I joined a band last night. Definitely my favorite blackout.
What a great world we live in when USPS can tell you that your drugs have been delivered.
i can't believe you just compared my dick to leprosy
You don't understand she was in the fountain pretending she was diving for treasure. I couldn't possibly ruin her dreams.
Dear god how many nuts did u bust in me my vagina feels like a bowl of jello.
Pretty good. They took the stitches out but it still hurts like a bitch. The doctor says I should be off crutches by next week.
Well, that's good. Let's hope drunk you doesn't sabotage you.
I mean, you've seen me eat pizza, sober, out of a garbage can, and yet I refuse to go eat at that place. Just sayin....
Unless your apology includes a 20 something with loose morals and a daddy complex, I'm am not interested
Must be why he thought choking was foreplay. Like WTF? No.
I'm literally trapped as the little spoon on a mattress on the floor of an unfinished basement with a professional athlete snoring in my hair
I brought my porn computer to class by accident
How much porn do you watch if you need a special computer?
He fucked me while I was smoking his blunt. His apartment was trashed and he drives a van that looks like it’s been hit by a train but still 10/10 would fuck again.
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