Why did I call the Oregon Department of Transportation at 4:30 in the morning, and who did I talk to for three minutes?
fucking a dude
i mean: fucking a, dude
wow, that comma made all the difference there
Don't fret. That vag would have consumed a lesser man.
we need to go to the store. i'm tired of having bud light for breakfast.
do you want me to pick up budweiser instead?
My professor just used "labia" and "numchucks" in the same sentence. I am dying.
nothing like Chinese food and masturbating on a Saturday night
Just had the moment before I realised I'd packed you off in an ambulance last night after funnel-feeding you Monster and vodka. Your mom thinks I'm a dick doesn't she?
I just remembered something. Did we really all flash the cab driver to get half off?
Steaks?
It's Ash Wednesday.
If you really think that not eating meat on a weeknight is going to keep you out of hell, fine. Can I use that chimichurri you made?
I'm high. Everything has a 45° angle. That is as far as my eyes open
Look, if I'm too lazy to put any effort into sexting, you better believe I'm too lazy to put any effort into dating.
I woke up with what appeared to be LSD in my pocket. Know anything about this?
I woke up hugging my purse and I found a business card in my underwear. How?
I just watched some kid bang his girlfriend and I was like whatever I'll just sit here and do all your fucking drugs that's fine
Not to play devil's advocate, but, considering how our species has evolved so far... I'm kinda rooting for the sun on the whole heat death thing.
Randomize
