he wont speak to me right now because i told him it must suck knowing he'll never be as good as edward cullen..idiot.
Note: fake nails and fingering anus.... Not a good idea
the boat had a sign not to jump off the roof of it, which gave us the idea to jump off the roof of it
I was too sleepy and drunk to verbally annihilate anyone and ruin their reason for being. So i just opted to sleep with the fitted sheet on the floor
It turns out tequila bombs is really code for straight shots of tequila…who would have guessed?
She straight up told me, "I don't care if he films as long as he's quiet." You sure you can't find the camera?
Putting a positive pregnancy test next to my condoms in my drawer so I remember why I always need to use condoms
He is just a personification of a vodka hangover.
Yes. Sex with questionable women, and made of potatoes.
I happen to have lost a black t-shirt and the volume button from my phone last night. If anyone finds it. You know what to do.
i got up, ate a McDouble, then went straight back to bed.
You sure know how to make a day worth living.
According to facebook, I opened up a can of whupass on some douche who poured all the vodka on the ground.
You called the wrong number but I salute you.
Sorry about waking up naked in your bed this morning.
So apparently I twerked on my coworkers last night. One month at the new job n I guess this is how I'm getting to know people
Bruh why you gotta judge
You're awake at 3:30 in the morning RSVPing to a musical, I'm well within my means
Her tits are so fantastic they gave him a panic attack.
Randomize
