oh and i really hope miley falls off this mountain she is climbing
As I was going down on her I noticed she had a tatoo on her inner thigh that said "Eat it like your birthday cake".
You are like a prophet. It's amazing how many people you convince to be lesbians.
They had to restock the bar 3 times before midnight. There is a bridesmaid dress hanging in a tree outside.
I knew it was different as soon as you told me you slept with him and didn't tell me about his dick
He told me we were going to a cabin. It's just logs and a tarp made into walls. This night can go either way at this point.
I danced with this guy last night, I left like I was humped by a blind baby kangaroo trying to body-box.
i woke up this morning put my hand under the pillow and there was a banana there
Check snapchat. Selfie game still on point mid vomit.
If my emotions are below a 3 or above a 7, I'm crying
Drunk me commented on almost all of her pictures. My favorite one is titled "be as the sea". My comment is "cold, rough, large and letting anyone come inside you. you accomplished." Guessing I'm not invited to the party anymore.
The cop took you back from the hospital and the lady at the front desk said "how are you doing cal?" You said "how do you know my name?" she responded "you're the only person i've ever seen that can throw up in your back pocket." Skills dude.
he's the kind of guy you give a fake number to and he still finds out your real number anyway...
My liver is going to reject life during Greek Week
How many liver transplants can a person have? Bc you may need a couple
Slept with a member of the band last night, found out today after extensive stalking he’s engaged. Pro tip: don’t research one night stands.
Randomize
