i wish they had a 'baby daddy' section in halmark, like, "hey, i know you didn't want this child and you're doing a horrible job, but here's to making you cry on fathers day"
the young, male pastor of my church has a jesus fish tramp-stamp. I made him show me.
you laugh because clearly you have never had to clean poop out of a tub
I just saw a girl walk by me wearing a "kiss me I'm pro choice" shirt. Is that a signal for easy access?
just fought my dog for the chicken pie I dropped on the floor.
you woulda been proud of me tonight though. i only made out with 2 guys. and in my defense one of them was to get a job after graduation.
Woke up with two cats staring at me. One covered in puke thats giving me a look that says it might be my fault. Where am I? Come get me.
Just orgasmed in traffic. Starting to have feelings for my commute.
Ya, because touching his brother's face for 20 minutes in front of him wasn't bad enough, I also threw up in his garden and stole like 10 of his shirts before I left. But I fed his dog, so it's okay.
What has two arms, one testicle and no credit card debt? This guy.
I was taking a bath while he walked in, sat down on the toilet, and said "its like a baby, I can see it crowning."
Most men with as many freckles as you aren't vagina magnets. You are an exception to your kind.
STDs are my biggest fear, besides whales. They're so fucking big.
You're invited to our X-games themed party. We have an ice luge and every time someone eats shit we drink. It's gonna be great.
Btw I don't have words to express my appreciation at how many times you've had to be on a dirty bar bathroom floor for me in the past two weeks
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