we tried have sex after i gave him a handjob. he wouldnt get hard and kept saying his little boy is broken.. please come get me
I love drunk self when he leaves a prepacked bong for the morning... in the bathroom.
I want to meet new people and vomit on their things instead\n
I just realized my life is a timeline of drunken injuries.
She blew me in the back of the cab while eye of the tiger was on the radio. Top five all time automatically
I think animal control just caught me smoking a bowl on the back porch. Do they have any say in this matter?? Haha
Favor? Can you not wear as much glitter on your face this time? Walking in the house looking like a disco ball was enough embarrassment for the week 😒
Girl please we both know I eat his bullshit up like its candy sprinkled with crack
I'm standing at the bottom of the driveway w a sign that says plow me
For sure shouldn't do homework after beers and joints. Just cited like 3 sentences at the end with (History, 2013)
I think god invented us with two hands so we can grab an ass and spank it at the same time.
That super awesome moment when the guy who threw up in your bed last night crawls into your roommate's bed the next morning...Naked...She was in it.
I'm honestly just now recovering from saint Patrick's day.
So I was having a really bad night...so I decided to steal a pumpkin.
Dude, running 15 min late.
Let's play a game, you pay for all the drinks I can finish before you get here. Go.
Randomize
