She's got an ass you could write the declaration of independence on in one line. Takes up three bar stools.
I'll be waiting for you under the stairs with peanut butter and tequila ... Don't tell the neighbors
keep it on the DL tho cause i dont want it getting out and it coming off like i kidnapped her or something
So he told me he wanted to fertilize my caviar. Im avoiding all foreign exchange students from now on.
Walked into the bar with my burrito and ordered a round of shots for everyone. Not sure if I want to look at the credit card statement.
We pulled over so he could pee and the next thing I know he's running down the hill by himself with his pants down
That's cool, I just have to let the dogs out AND SO HELP ME GOD IF YOU TEXT ME BAHA MEN LYRICS WE ARE NOT FRIENDS.
Hey man, sorry I chased you around the house with a small table.
Dude. Cab ride home consisted of me making out with an Asian girl sitting next to my Dad
Fucking her would be like seeing big foot, finding a four leaf clover , petting a unicorn, and arm wrestling a leprechaun in a matter of a 6 hour period
You wrote me a check. For zero dollars. For my soul. Dick.
Something like that. Healthy diet of beer, ranch sunflower seeds and sex keeps me young.
My dog misses eating marshmallows out of your butt when you're passed out. That bordered on sex abuse, now that I think about it. My bad.
Stole my 7th stop sign and 3rd speed limit sign last night. Not even sure how because they were bolted to a cement wall. Tequila gives you strength you didn't know you had.
True life: I got so drunk that i took a shower with my clothes on at 4 am...
Randomize
