a chick just tried to cover her fart by sneezing. it didn't work
i spelled "betch" that way on purpose, don't question my abilities as a drunk texter
You should ask if we are margaritasing tomorrow. and yes i did just turn that into a verb
Found you in the bushes with fireworks, a teacup and no shoes. Decided it was a bad time to wake you.
Listen. I'm a changed woman. I have no problem using him for sex.
No more Raisinettes before sex. That's what happened. I just put it together
Okay so for future reference and your own safety I should probably tell you that it is not cranberry juice in that bottle on the kitchen table.
I asked you if you wanted to go to the ER, have me sew it up or just wrap it in duct tape and keep on keepin on. You just said YES. I remember very little after that.
You're a good friend.
By early evening I was shouting at the deeply Christian girl to suck my dick inbetween snorting lines of gatorade powder.
Is this a Beer, Vodka or Whiskey kind of problem solving night? It's imperative I stock accordingly.
Questions like that are why I love you.
If I stopped drinking I'd have to take up murdering.
I'm not well. Although it could be worse.
My cousin is so hungover she quit her job.
What do you bring to an "I'm getting divorced party?"
.......Shattered dreams and tequila?
Ohhhhhh, that night......I need to stop drinking, almost all of my conversations that take place Wed thru Sun after 8:30 are one blurry haze.
I'm hung over and my mom made me go to church. I feel like such a sinner.
I need an aspirin and some dignity.
Randomize
