Please stop sending me picture messages of your shit. Seriously. I don't care if it looks like popcorn chicken.
No - a douche bag is not a fashion accessory. They do not make Gucci Douchebags
You owe me a new pair of headphones. You plugged mine into the top of a mustard bottle.
Get here now. This is going to be possibly my most dangerous idea ever, and I'm the guy who challenged a hobo to a breakdance fight.
The taxi driver was cool until you left. He then started blasting enya and telling me I look like I need another line.
Just gave a urinal high five to a complete stranger. Might not be such a bad night after all
I think the main reason you were throwing up so much was the quart of soap you chugged trying to burp bubbles. you came close
The engagement ring savings account is now the strippers and gin savings account. What are you doing tonight?
Well I'm drunk and covered in baby oil so tonights not ideal
He has a lot of emotional energy invested in your vagina.
Pretty sure I was high. I thought there was music coming out of my makeup bag.
I went limp when I heard her mom fart from her parents bedroom. It lasted longer than my hard on.
You've created a tinder dominating monster.
I named my Roomba after my pot dealer. I have a problem, don't i?
so i went over to her house and we played crash bandicoot, ate calzones, and had sex all day. im in love.
Randomize
