i think i've said "don't judge me" 10+ times tonight... is that a bad thing?
yes
... don't judge me
there are seriously like six guinea pigs in my bathtub right now
someone just broke into my class and invited everyone to the bar ...now we're filling out a police report. awesome.
It's only slutty when someone else does it. It's okay if it's us though
Just walked out of my apartment and came face to face with a shirtless dude playing with his balls and trying to tie his shoes.
I poured everyones drinks into the ice bucket and then stuck my face in it. Apparently I'm a greedy drunk.
Bathtub guy came to. He helped me roll the fat chick away from the fridge. Shower and breakfast are on. You're plan failed!
Some girl at my gym just tried to casually drop the fact she can kegel 3 lbs...
He offered to buy me free breakfast if I stayed at the hotel overnight with him. I then realized they have a complimentary breakfast.
Just opened up the freezer to find chocolate penis popsicles. Too hungover for this shit
Figured out why that fly won't leave. It keeps buzzing through my weed smoke
Fly high, Fly.
I was basically just fingering myself and thinking about space.
I have alotted at least an hour for ugly crying.
good news, i've got tacos. bad news, kevin's in the ER. more good news, the tacos were free.
He was my first marine! I wanna remember his name!
Randomize
