My mom says you aren't allowed to eat doritos at my house
she needs to go suck a dildo, because she isn't worth a dick
You realize if you die tommorow, the last memory i'll ever have of you is your ballsack on skype
I woke up in the penthouse and did lines off the to of the fireplace. This is not real.
I just realized that I'm gonna have to lower my standards if I want random head.
I managed to convince him it was his fault I cheated on him...he spent the last 40 minutes going down on me. I feel legendary.
I am literally using a balloon as a pillow on a park bench.
You turned byob into bring your own shit show. Good work.
You may now shotgun with the bride
I'm at that point in my life where keeping an extra pair of underwear in my purse is normal.
Trying to stay sober at a family function but hiccuping so fucking loud. "Have you been drinking?" I hit on my cousin so yeah. I have been drinking.
Good god, my descendants are going to be fucked.
not ubering you a puppy
Sorry for peeing on you and your bed last night.
1) Woke up alone with my bathing suit on inside out spooning an empty bottle of Jack, 2) get the fuck on to my level 3) please pick me up and bring a stuffed pony, some Oreo's and my pride...
Randomize
