everytime someone famous vagina shows up in pics, i have to go check my own vagina to make sure mine dont look all wrinkledy and flabby like that....i want my lips plump and succulent
I was totally going to sleep with him, until he got naked and started swinging around his boner singing "I'm so hard. oh yeah yeah yeah, I'm so hard" like Rihanna.
Sudden realization: I dumped him because he was too immature, yet I am the one who moved back into my parent's basement post-breakup.
It's not like I'm never gonna put out again. I'm a sure thing. I promise.
Really, thanks for buying me caribou, it helped me out. Today will forever be the day I threw up in a caribou cup in the skyway outside of chipotle.
I love you more with every blowjob.
You should write for Hallmark.
Note to self: semen does not count as food to take medicine with
I mean it's like...I'm sorry I slept with your boyfriend but is it my fault that he failed to mention you when I was giving him head in the Dave and Busters bathroom?
There is so much wrong with that sentence
Yeah there really shouldn't be a bar at D&B's...shit gets real
I accidentally flashed three cops last night. Stone cold sober.
Tell me why i have 60 matches in 72 hours on tinder. Can i sell my tinder account like people used to sell their myspace pages and tumblrs when they had a lot of followers? Is that a thing?
saw a family tailgating a graduation with hard liquor... i'm assuming yours?
are you shitting me? they told me they'd at least wait until 10am
her nickname was handjob. I knew what i was getting into.
That was my first party and they were so suprised that this little freshman girl was a FUCKING BEER PONG QUEEN.
We were high and the scary movies were scaring us too bad. Were all watching porn instead now
My bald co-worker just chugged a literal gallon of coffee. My condolences to his kidneys.
Randomize
