Dude! wtf happend last nite? I woke up with 2 black eyes and a head ache
You stepped off the curb and face planted the road...twice
Why didnt you hold me up....and why a second time?
I helped you up but figured it was wayy funnier to watch you fall again then lose my buzz....
One minute shes telling me about her volunteer work then she whips out a 12 inch dildo
She makes me want to have breakfast margaritas every day
someone wrote on his wall: "congrats on your engagement"
I think you may want to look into that...
Is percocet and coffee considered a balanced breakfast?
I just replaced the poop spray with an air horn... Now we wait!
You woke up, mumbled something about forgetting to lock the truck at work, slapped my ass, then passed out again...
So while you were living in this woman's apartment, you acquired a room mate, fucked her daughter, and killed her bunny. Worst sitter ever
when I die covered in cocaine, hookers, and tequila at 73 years old just remember that I once had a tweet with that many retweets
I can make a sex schedule on Excel and send it to you guys
the only thing I remember was some guy took out his fake eye to use it for beer pong
Just got a Lifeproof case for Christmas so hold on and tell me how my shower nudes look
I balled in the shower for 20 minutes, rolled up to the meeting late looking like a gremlin, and my one night stand was standing there in a suit
I'm just hoping that with all the times he's puked in my yard a mushroom field might grow.
You literally snort drugs up your nose and you’re questioning the brand of the multivitamin right now?
Randomize
