im trying to catch a child molester. call you later.
this morning i woke up under the kitchen table. i went to my room and there was an inflatable whale in my bed with a banana duct taped to where its penis should be. there were trails of cheez-its around my apartment and i found $67 in the crotch of my underwear. im guessing i had a very happy birthday.
I need input, can I pre-game my cat scan?
I have a way to get him back. you're going to have to take one for the team and make a visit to the health department. you in?
THERE IS A WINE CUBE IN MY ASS THIS IS NOT GOING AS PLANNED
The trick will be getting hammered before we get to the first bar
Challenge accepted
First stoner thought of the day: Life would be so much better if there were more things that were biscuits and gravy flavored.
If a cougar buys you pizza and wants to show you her newly-won house, you have sex with her. It's the law. Just being all the man I can be dude
If you keep giving me that glorious dick ill bake you some cookies
I don't know what you slipped me, but my TV is vomming blood right now. Thanks, jerkoff.
That was just an endearing nickname I called you before. I'm not gonna call you a filthy slut now that you are one, I don't want to hurt your feelings.
Is it sacrilegious to take tequila shots on Saint Patrick's day?
I think the hamburger goblin stole my cigarettes. I left my purse behind her table and they're not in it now.
Totally writing my paper on the toilet. Makes me miss you.
We could have fun in a cardboard box. Think of the damage we could do at an amusement park!
Randomize
