i miss vodka and anonymity. college is so rich in both. in college we are a many armed creature, lubricated with beer and sex.
Shitting during a conference call is so empowering.
so i was sitting on this guys lap, and we were flirting and everything right..well his phone kept ringing, turns out it was his pregnant wife...she had gone into labor..
while fucking on the counter the whip cream was conveniently right next to us. i love thanksgiving
OMG the post office opened my dildo! "we sincerely regret the damage to your package"
but then the words kidney pain and possible testicle shrinkage kept ringing in my head
I need to get skinnier so that I know when pregnancy scares are real...
It wasn't until I took a shit, that I remembered that you assholes started spiking my shots with tobasco when I wasn't looking last night. Dicks.
Fuck I am starving. I don't think I've eaten in the past two days.
You didnt need to. Gin is like eggs, its a perfectly nutrionally balanced meal.
This is that think about life weed. Thank god I'm in American lit this semester. I can actually write papers in this vat of introspective stoned.
Sometimes I just want to serenade his penis with cheesy 80s songs.
What the hell man, you basically stole my girlfriend with a bucket of KFC.
my mom said i came home and fell asleep on the floor. like right in front of her.
LETS THROW SHIT OFF THE PORCH
...take a good look at your butthole.... then try matching it to any paint color on the Benjamin Moore color wheel....not gonna happen...
Randomize
