i just found a bag of weed behind my capital one card. i guess that's what's in my wallet.
Sorry for talking about super scientific shit so much last night, I know it bugs you sometimes when I don't shut up.
What? You sat on the couch for a solid 2 hours staring at your fingerprints and the only word that came out of your mouth was "how"
There's a lady carrying her kids toy animals in a crown royal bag. Mom of the year.
I just imagined your drunkass eating Taco Bell in my living room. This is the Godmother of my potential child.
Nothing like a Mormon bachlorette party to make you feel slutty
She offered to massage my back by hitting it with a sparkly purple double dildo... Bi chicks can get creepy
I maybe just had sex outside in broad daylight. At a state park. Please be proud.
He said he has something to give me... I swear to God if it's a joint or a framed picture of his penis i'm going to kill him
I just realised I've never been sober in my apartment
Ideas for halloween. We need simple yet hilarious. Cheap yet effective. Slutty yet acceptable. Go.
her mom went out of her way to book us a room with separate beds... her level of gay denial is in beast mode
He barged in the room with no shirt on, all fucking ripped with a half keg under one arm. Sara now calls him Bronan the Beerbarian
For what it's worth, I didn't think that hitting you with a crowbar as hard as I did would break your arm like that. You should drink more milk.
I have done everything sexualally imaginable with that umpalumpa
I wonder how drunk we can get before Christmas Caroling turns into trespassing.
Randomize
