How is your vagina???
Double booked
With your butt?
Totes, candlesticks and all
Yay!!
apparently red wine has the total opposite effect that whiskey does on his dick
I feel uncomfortable when she gargles my jizz.
I just saw a girl in Albersons in spandex and curlers buying PBR. Only PBR.
I want a grilled cheese and an IV
Congratulations, you are no longer the only person who has watched me drunkenly pee on their furniture.
Vodka shot parachutes
Fucking utilizing a thrid story dorm room
Just drank an entire bottle of champagne for lunch. It's gonna be that kind of semester.
We found her. She's owling on the sink in the bathroom.
Is it bad to have a craving for speed? I feel like my nose is thirsty.
You might have to deal with a coked up ex pan American gold medalist wrestler when you get back to the room
I think that's the first time I had "ass rimming" scroll across my phone at work
I went to an adult Halloween party last night dressed as Mrs. Doubtfire, but I woke up on a stranger's couch surrounded by sleeping children in karate gi's. And I accidentally flushed my granny wig mid-puke, so if they wake up I'm gonna have to convince them that I'm just a weird older man and not a terrible cross dresser.
How did you come to this point in your life?
Good bartenders.
One of my nipples looks nothing like the other...i don't know how this happened
I'm not gonna lie. I need sex like plants need water right now. I just need the dick.
Randomize
