Charged a drink to your name last night. Thanks for the whiskey
If hangovers were people John Goodman would be living in my skull trying to eat the back of my eyes
Road construction signs are deceptively heavy
I have to stop envisioning penises as dragons.
I don't like sad things. I do like drinking though
Dude I broke her toilet blowing some dude. I wasn't going to turn down the 300$ he offered to fix it.
I creeped him on fb. I'm about 90% sure I just blew him in the same tux he wore for his wedding..
he went to the bathroom at 5am only to come back and squeeze my boob before going back to sleep
He told me if he passed out to wake him by sitting on his face, and if he suffocated at least he would die happy. Found the one.
Got to use the phrase "sweet pukas dude." My day is made.
Your cousin just directly asked you for nudes
he went down on me while I ate Oreos. I don't know what caused the orgasm.
Even my fuck buddy told me I needed a boyfriend. Fml.
just used my $120 dollar stats book for the first time to kill an ant... good thing i stole it
Boredom is so much more tolerable when you're stoned off your ass.
Randomize
