Just got yelled at by a priest...again.
i looked at dads computer and apparently he was looking at job ads on craigslist and the only one clicked that turned purple said "GET PAID TO MASTURBATE"
I told her that I thought she needed an oral mammogram. With me being pre-med she bought it.
i will replace your cream cheese. there's enough for breakfast. you are my friend. i had guests we wanted bagels so bad im sorry. i left you notes. i love you. you have enough for a bagel or two and i will get you more. you are so pretty.
So I think his penis grew over the weekend. Is that possible or does absence make the dick grow longer?
his extensive knowledge of the age of consent laws kinda scares me....
I've been drunk in my life. But I've never been "crying in 5 Guys at 1 in the afternoon" drunk
I'm wearing green eyeshadow so even if I end up totally naked I still won't get pinched.
It is no longer St. Patrick's Day. I should NOT still have green boobs!
Thank you contacting dial-a-boner. Currently, our boner is on a run to service another client. You can either wait 2 hours for service, or share concurrent service with the current client.
Awkward drunk fist bump with the boss. Not sure if tomorrow will be weird or wonderful.
Just took acid. Wish me luck.
I worked out twice today and you're dropping acid. My life sucks.
I have 35 pounds of pennies. Need any?
My weirdest encounter with a stranger though was when for some reason they just gave me a box of unopened socks. Needless to say, I never used them.
i think if a sober person was watching us they would have not thought we were witty
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