Best look from Detroit today: running across the street with your buttcheeks on display carrying a 40 oz. Or maybe being crazy-pregnant and screaming and slamming a pay phone. Toss up.
Reason #82 that I need to get laid: my pubes are getting split ends.
My gynecologist just commented on how well my vagina was waxed
The fact that its 10am on a gameday and I have yet to shotgun is absurd
I just spent the last 30 mins playing uplifting songs to my uterus, & there's no way I'm pregnant.
In an unknown location. With a giant marshmallow stuck to my back. Hello breakfast.
apparently "preggers as fuck" isn't an appropriate way to describe someone...
It's like my butt was the only innocence I had left and now I don't even have that.
So my niece decided to play "lets make shapes out of your bruises" with me and told me that one of them looks like a shark bite. Bravo, sir. Bravo.
This cabbie knows where I live. Both awesome and weird.
The amount of drugs I did this weekend make me concerned about my health but at the same time fascinated to see if I could do more
That's good. Don't want to see you bellydancing in prison for homemade wine.
Masturbating during the Olympics and cumming during the national anthem really is everything it's cracked up to be. Just thought you should know.
I just set my mike's hard down and didn't want it to spill, so I held my finger up and told it to shoosh. I'm drunk.
I'm only texting you this bc god forbid circumstances change when you wake up but currently santa is asleep on top of the washer and dryer.
Randomize
