so i texed my mom when i was trashed last night and said "i know its 3 am, just go to bed and i'll be back by the time we leave for the airport"
Holy fuck. She looks like Vin Diesel's stuntman
you screamed 'he won't go on a date with me, but he gave me a free junior chicken'
well imagine, me dating the manager equals free junior chickens for everyone
this guy just used the pickup line "God must have spent a little more time on you" I recognized the nsync lyric immediately.
You don't understand, alcohol has become a thing of survival for me and without it I can't function as a normal human being
found out this morning via facebook that the guy i met last night has a wife and a baby and he took me to his apartment where he takes girls to cheat on his wife
i mean you met him at the daytona 500
Ok lesson learned. Don't lick the spoon when making mushroom chocolates. The kitchen walls are melting.
If I buy you $300 worth of popeyes, will that make up for me trashing the house?
She is singing the swedish chef song and throwing utensils. I love this place
She keeps telling me I can't keep feeding the dog my food. I gave half the weed brownie to the dog and half to me. I just want it to taste the greatness of cheezits like I am.
I woke up at 4 am. Literally pissed. No idea what happened. I could have fucked a cow.
if a CSI technician examined our hotel room with a black light he'd think we hit the Pulse button a DNA blender without a lid
Omg. We have to workout today. I just looked at myself in the mirror and thanked a god I don't believe in for drunken boys and dark rooms.
He just texted me a video of him jerking off. He must really be looking forward to the Super Bowl.
Gave a guy a blowjob in a convent. Place in hell is now secured...
Randomize
