life is too short to starve
life is also too short to be fat
There's a girl sitting in front of me making a PowerPoint on Jack Bauer.
idk if its the weather or the "im still drunk" or the morning sex i just had with my roommates gf but that was def the most enjoyable walk in the rain ever
Theres a disney princess moonbounce on karen st. and I'm drinking beer at a little league field. this might end with me in jail.
at which point he tried to give himself a prince albert piercing with the stapler on his desk.
UPDATE: WE WILL BE HITTING THE BATMAN PINATA WITH A SWORD
Just warning you the last time I had captain Morgan I gave a blow job to a guy that looked like Jesus.
if the furniture in my bedroom wasn't shape shifting... this would be a different story.
I have to stop letting him stay all weekend. I feel like a cored apple.
i'm licking honey sensually off my arm while alone in my room. what has my life come to
he called me 'mate' and i had to remind him that you dont call people mate who continously make your dick hard
while on the topic of showers...why is there apple juice in our bathtub?
He started planning our future mid-hookup. You tell me how my night was.
I’m home.
I’m aware. I just dropped you off.
i'm pretty sure my brother is still drunk from last night. he's telling my parents that humans are at the top of the food chain for a reason and listing off all the exotic animals he would eat
Randomize
