i havee beer in my backseat and a glow in the dark condom in my cleaveage.
you're going for the gold here.
This is your typical "sorry i got drunk and tried to seduce you into having sex while you were throwing up" text.
I'm just looking at Lindsay Lohan's vagina.
Oh yea! I was just doing that too!
i just found an uncooked ramen noodle in my underwear
So for Valentine's Day...I finally swallowed. I feel like I earned that steak.
I don't know who he was, where he came from, or where he went, but he just handed me a bowl of mac and cheese and left. It was good too.
I just keep sniffing it hoping for an explanation.
A shower wasnt enough to wash off the shame but at least it took care off the blood.
We spent a good 10 minutes in the morning looking for my clothes. I ended up taking the bus home in my 6inch heels and his baggy t-shirt. The bus was filled with kids... one of them whistled at me.
You mAke me stone. Stone fuck fucking stoned. I'm an stoned you cuz now fucking stoned stoned fucking stoned I stone.
Just watched an entire Mariachi band walk of shame home together. Halloween at its finest
I hate being near you and not being able to do what I want. It's like a recovering alcoholic tending bar. I feel like Sam Malone. Except I can't bang the cute chick I work with.
so it took us like 45 minutes to get into the party.... then when we wanted to leave we were blocked and forced to stay.
....you got kicked INTO a party??
okay, but you can't tell anyone. Every time he instagrams something with the caption "avocado," it means he's booty calling me. Happy?
im so drunk that this cat is mothering me. aggressively
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