Don't be scared. It'll feel very good. And you'll be clean afterwards. I'm growling right now.
it hurts more in the daytime
Please don't call me names while I'm carrying your child.
you sent me 45 texts saying "meow?"
did i?
i think a pirate just stole the rest of our fucking beer. what an appropriate costume.
i figure i've seen his cum stains on the floor, i'm allowed to say these things.
i climbed out of the bath tub this morning and found him taped to the treadmill
The bachelorette started when I opened the door and they threw a few dozen dildos at me.
So apparently I ended up throwing my clothes in the toilet after getting kicked out of TQ and ran around the neighborhood in my boxers. Works gonna suck hard once this hangover kicks in. Also: I lost a shoe so looks like flipflops for the rest of winter
I will expect an hourly check text to confirm you are alive and that you aren't dead in a ditch somewhere with a hobo dry humping your corpse
I just KNEW this was gonna happen. NEVER say "all the free Jameson you can drink" around Tina.
He kept telling me that it stood for Sex Utility Vehicle
I think I'm in the negatives for the quantity of fucks given today.
I just put a pill up my vagina. It was little like a quail egg. There is so much happening up there right now.
Somehow I went from sitting in a car upside down to waking up in the grass surounded by paramedics. It was a great night.
Randomize
