I just ate a cockroach and I want to be a fire truck.
I think I might be in your shoes. Except they are actually my shoes. Either way these shoes are wasted.
Ive never seen someone more dtf than a soaking wet drunk girl who stumbles into your backyard.
She fell onto my light and broke all four plants. I don't care how good the blowjob was.
Whatever. I'll let someone else deal with his flacid penis.
Also pencil in smooth jazz and illegal activities. The usual.
she was handing out condoms w/ her number on them...
i'm on the subway and being revisted by the ghosts of tequilas past.
I automatically know you're drunk now as soon as you start yelling in spanish
You know we had a good night last night when today I opened up my Google Translate application and the language is set to Persian and the phrase to translate is "I want you to suck my dick".
DAMMIT. BOHEMIAN RHAPSODY IS GONNA GET STUCK IN MY HEAD AGAIN. FUCK YOU OLYMPICS.
I can't bring an entire liter in the bar in my purse. I mean I can. I might. I'm probably gonna.
I need to find parents that want to take care of a grown adult. I'm sure there's a website out there for that. Like a sugar daddy but sugar parents.
We're so high we're eating flavored lube.
Stop making fun of my hookups!
Stop getting hookups that I can make fun of!
Randomize
