There is a man on the balcony beside me who claims he is a triceratops. He roared and asked me for a cigarette, telling me he'd eat me if I refused. I love college.
To bright to open both eye. Get pizza and put in feeding tube so i can sleep more
Just met a guy who has been in college for 7 years and still classified as a junior. Then watched him shotgun 10 beers. Found my new hero
Santa Claus winked at me two tables over at the Chinese place tonight I was almost afraid he knew "getting laid" was my Christmas wish
The world would have a new energy source if someone would just take a blacklight to the backseat of that slut's car
they told me her nickname is "wizard sleeve"
pick me up NOW
He kept insisting that I was going to have an orgasm but it just felt like he was rubbing sand paper on my vagina
I'm gonna go out on a limb and say it had something to do with pool sex.
I'm drinking wine alone, eating leftovers, and cleaning my sex toys. For the love of god, do not graduate.
Our foot and a bit height difference is kinda fun, except she's so tiny that after we ate burritos it looked like she was pregnant. I had a confusing bonner.
Just got into a fight with a trashcan, today is obviously not going to be my day.
You know you're a fat kid when you've spent half the day having a twitter conversation with Pizza Hut.
One of the worst parts about living at my parents again is trying to hide how often I'm hungover, just quietly puked in the basement bathroom while my mom got ready for work
When I went to pick up Adam from the train station, I found him passed out, covered in gold paint and wrapped in a red blanket. someone had glued a gaudy green rhinestone to his forehead. He looked homeless.
At least he uses his lack of impulse control for chaotic good instead of chaotic evil
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