fuck, i never want to drink again I drunk dialed matt last night and broke up with him the second night in a row. FUCK QUADFEST
and after you realized your puke was bright blue, you started crying hysterically and screaming, "I DON'T WANT TO BE A SMURF!" no more uv blue for you.
So after we got done with our cardiac arrest patient, I thought how awesome would it be to hook up the defibrillator pads to cook a burrito.
dude... how have they not drug tested you yet?
I have no idea. I woke up naked on someones toilet locked in the bathroom with two baby kittens.
Yes, that was ME getting carried out of the club singing 'i believe i can fly'
Found our threesome girl. She says I'm pretty. She doesn't know I'm pregnant. Yet. Think we can pull it off?
It's that "make a Pringle and Twinkie sandwich" kind of depression.
The homeless guy who goes through my garbage cans just gave me a flyer for an AA group.
My frontal lobe is being piloted by Jack Daniels right now.
Was Mr. ROBOT good? I missed it. I just fucked dental hygienist on the trampoline in my backyard
Going to give your dick a friendship bracelet.
My mom has tinder, she is 45 and has her age setting at 18-29. And she still gets more matches than me
Last night I was the DD and was trying to drop off some chick I didn't know at her place. The closest thing to an address I got was "where the goldfish go."
Omg I just looked in my purse from last night.. 10 bags of gummy bears.
No. It's going to be "I'm mad that it took you so long to get over here" angry sex.
Randomize